Stand together

When you’re newly hitched, you’re as happy as fireflies, life seems like one infinite endless joyride, and your proverbial sparks of passion and gladness, so to speak, will always be a full flame red hot blaze. I guess Claude and I can only speak for ourselves, but yes, what happens now – a looooooooong time later – is different, of course. The heady bright fireworks of first love settle, over time, into a long, slow, steady burn, both deeper and richer. Covenant commitment offers a secure, safe, and sacred sanctuary inviting intimacy and passion to flourish. Flourish. Flourish.

The years have also had some humbling times of more smoke than fire. We have not always been the finest versions of ourselves. We haven’t always got it right. Mistakes have been made. We have had our share of pain and loss, misery and misunderstanding, forgiveness and grace. We have had, and will still have, trials. You will also have trials and troubles. You won’t always be happy. You too may wake-up puffy eyed from crying, or drink tea at midnight when sleep evades you, or pace the passage, or feel strung out, or hemmed in, or unsure which way to turn, or what the next step is…

We pray it doesn’t happen to you, but when that time comes we hope that you are going to remember a simple, solid suggestion that stands the test of time. Drum roll: Stand together. Never let the troubles and the struggles get between you. Never. Never. You CAN stand strongly through a humongous amount of stuff provided you stand together and don’t let any of it leak in between the two of you. 

When we were newly married, we received a prophetic word in which we were exhorted three times to “stand together”, and in God’s grace we’ve done just that. We’ve had to continuously choose to ‘stand together’ through traumatic things we would rather not have faced, but standing together has made all the difference! 

Be partners. Be allies. Be inseparable. Be indomitable. Don’t make agreements with the enemy – the things that come against you – such as retrenchments, sickness, temptations – but none of them can harm your union if they do not get between the two of you.

Lock yourselves into standing together, and let the rest of the world ‘stand apart’, so to say, even your dearly beloved mother-in-law! 

Beware of the ubiquitous best friend, usually of the opposite sex, to whom you tell things about your spouse. We’re not saying that you shouldn’t have a best friend or share things with them, but make sure that you are sharing your most deepest and most intimate hopes, dreams, fears, and desires with only your spouse. Be each other’s intimate best friend and closest ally. Tell all that you know to God and to each other, but not about each other to any third party unless, of course, with your partner’s prior permission.

Don’t let the darkness of financial hardship or heartache get in between you and separate you. Should unexpected retrenchments or debts come, determine to draw even closer together, and together you can deal with loss or difficulties head-on.

Don’t let even your children, when they come, get between you and alienate you. Sadly, this does sometimes happen. Claude and I chose to keep our bed a ‘marriage bed’. When our girls were young, we usually took turns reading bedtime stories and settling them – in their own beds. We did, on numerous occasions, pull their mattresses into our bedroom when they were scared or ill, but they knew our bed was indisputably our bed!

Each time we watch our wedding video, I chuckle, convinced that it’s the shortest non-speaking wedding video ever recorded. Yet, I can’t help but treasure this odd fleeting memento, this collage of simple random Claude and Jann moments captured for all time to flamenco music. Ole! Where I used to feel embarrassed, even awkward, about the simplicity thereof, now, what I realise is that the quality of the video recording doesn’t matter, as the significance of our marriage is not found there anyway! The truth of our marriage is not in the video, any more than it is to be found in the guest list, the confetti, the gift-bags, the speeches, the white dress, the veil, the toasts, or the champagne bottles – or the lack thereof. And yet each glimpse of that long ago day, each unplanned pose, each shy, and silly with glee smile, and the familiar faces of our family no longer with us does remind us to wake up and pay full attention to the right here, right now moments. 

Where have the years gone? Thirty nine years of marriage is a multitude of moments lived as husband and wife. How did we get to be so blessed with each other? What I see in that wedding video – the youthful anticipation, the hopeful optimism, the commitment to covenant – endures.  How grateful I am for all that we’ve shared, for our two beautiful daughters who are now adults themselves, for our beyond precious grandchildren, for our commitment to love, honour, and cherish until death us do part. Grace. Grace.

My heart feels full today. Sitting cocooned in the down duvet reading Psalms as the first hints of morning beckoned, watching the sunrise in hues of pink and orange at 7.35 reading, repotting a pink geranium, propogating red pelargoniums, fetching my grandchildren from school, listening to Charley’s excited banter about an excursion to the Oceanarium, an early evening walk around the neighbourhood with my arm hooked into Claude’s arm, and I remember a beloved friend is nearing the end of a five hour heart operation. In this moment, I’m trying to walk and live and pay attention enough for the both of us, for this precious friend who is going to need a long time of physical recovery, and for myself, so physically able. And each time I pause, what I see is not ordinariness but evidence, evidence that this life and this friendship and this marriage in which we are blessed to live in union is full of beauty, holiness, and significance.

There will always be struggle and strife in this world, but it doesn’t put us at war with each other if it doesn’t come between us. Stand together. Stand together.

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT

Dear God

Thank you that, as you in the trinity are one, so too we, standing together with you, are one.

Thank you that your Spirit in us helps us be the finest versions of ourselves at all times and in all situations. Thank you that it is an inside job and not something for which we have to strain or struggle or strive strive. Grace. Grace.

Thank you, too, that there is no condemnation in Christ for when we do get it wrong. Thank you Abba.

Amen

What advice were you given as newlyweds?

What advice would you now give to newlyweds?